The Cycle That Never Ends
by colorscope
Summary: Just when Rory thinks life is perfect with Logan, Jess returns to Stars Hollow and everything comes crashing down.
1. The Cycle That Never Ends

**The Cycle That Never Ends**

_Why are you here?_

She's lost track of how many times she's said it. It's always in the same despairing tone, and there's always a sense of disbelief there, because he always had the effect of off-balancing her. When she looks at him she's never sure if she wants to curse him, or throw herself into his arms.

"_Why, _Jess?" Her voice breaks, and all the frailties kept so carefully hidden away are exposed in the tremble of her lips. "Why are you doing this again?"

He was the still the beautiful wreck he was before, and despite the absence, and her resolutions, she was still drawn to him. In spite of Logan. In spite of everything.

"I want a second chance, Rory." he said, imploringly.

"How many second chances do you need? Haven't you hurt me enough?" Her voice was full of self-loathing. "I should have listened to what everyone was telling me, that you would hurt me. What an idiot I was. But I won't make the same mistake again."

"I've changed, Ror. Things will be different now." His eyes were beseeching. "I need you. I don't know what to do with myself without you."

"Please, just _go away. _Everything is perfect now, and I don't want you to ruin it again! I'm really happy with Logan and-"

In one desperate move, he closed the gap between them, and kissed her.

He knew it was his last chance to hold her, knew that she loved someone else, but he kissed her like he was drowning and she was the only one who could save him.

"We can't...I shouldn't..." But her words were lost, and she kissed him back.

His hands fumbled at her cardigan, unbuttoning clothing and kissing her urgently. He couldn't believe it- she was here with him.

"I missed you." she whispered. "Oh Jess, I missed you so much."

Then, suddenly, her face drained of colour.

Logan stood at the doorway, a bouquet of roses in hand, looking at the scene before him unfold like a deer caught in the headlights.

TBC


	2. Ghosts

**The Cycle That Never Ends**

_Ghosts_

Silence hung in the air, so thick that it was almost tangible. The situation was so impossible; he thought he must be dreaming. But the horrible reality of it all came crashing down on him when Rory, _his _Rory, detached herself from the arms of the stranger and burrowed herself into his arms. _So sorry, _she whispered. _So sorry, so stupid, so selfish... _Her engagement ring glittered brilliantly in the shadows.

Logan dropped the bouquet in his hands and hugged her fiercely. Despite what he had just seen, he still loved her more than anything, and deep down he knew she loved him as well.

"Hey, Ace, it'll be okay." he said tenderly, and at the sound of her nickname and his affection, she began to cry. "Shh…just don't think about anymore, okay?"

"It won't happen again. Ever." she said. Tears coursed down her cheeks. "I don't know what I was thinking. How could I almost throw us away like that, Logan?"

"Pre-wedding jitters, huh?" he said lightly, trying to make a joke of it. Then his gaze hardened. "As for _you, _guy…"

But he was speaking to an empty room. As suddenly as he had come, Jess had disappeared, leaving the two lovers enveloped in a cloak of darkness.

---

The next morning, Logan paced around in his office, lost in thought over Rory's infidelity. She vowed that it would never happen again, and he believed her with all his heart, but something…something was off. He sensed that something was there, some key fact that was important…but what was it? A part of a conversation, several months before with Lorelai came back to him vividly, and he felt his fists clench in anger.

"_Better you then Sulky Boy." Lorelai said matter-of-factly, over coffee. "God, I couldn't stand him! He was never any good to her, you know. But she was crazy about him, the way kids are…"_

"_You've never heard of him?" she continued, obviously surprised. "Jess Mariano. Dark, kind of scruffy, wore a leather jacket in middle of August- you know the type. Well, good thing that's over. He would have destroyed her, but now he's gone for good and good riddance, too, I'll say. I don't know what any of us would do if he ever came back. Rory would be such a mess."_

"_But hey, don't worry about it." She punched him lightly in the arm. "Rory's a good kid. And she loves you. And he's never coming back."_

Through various conversations and gossip, Logan had painstakingly pieced together everything he could find about Jess. He knew it wasn't just a 'kid thing', the way Rory had brushed it off as every time he asked her, but that it was much, much more. She had loved Jess as much as she loved him. His heart pounded in his throat. Or maybe even more than she loved him.

Jess Mariano, his fiancé's old love, who was supposed to be gone for good, was back.

And for once, Logan had no idea what to do.

TBC


	3. Bound

**The Cycle That Never Ends**

_Bound_

It was inevitable that they found each other again. A stroke of chance, skeptics might say, but both you and I know better than that.

She found herself drawn inexplicably to some little off-colour coffee shop in the city, and when she placed her order she found that someone had already picked up her bill. The cashier gestured to a man sitting in a corner booth. It was Jess, of course. He watched her, a hint of a smile playing at his mouth, eyes knowing.

And like a magnet, she was pulled to him.

They talked for hours, about everything and nothing, books they'd read, places they've been, their jobs, and people they knew. There was only one subject they avoided--the glittering ring on her finger, the man that claimed her. The sky darkened, people came and left, and still they lingered in that chance little cafe, neither of them wanting the encounter to end. A waitress came by, refilling their cups of coffee, quirking an eyebrow at the brunette's ring.

"Congragulations on the engagement." she said brightly. "You two look like you'll be really happy together."

Rory blushed; Jess smiled cryptically.

Closing time approached as the clock crept to nine. Outside, the silhouettes of pedestrians casted flickering shadows through the window and across the table they shared. It was starting to snow.

"I should get going." she said, quietly collecting her belongings.

He looked at her intently, his expression revealing nothing.

"Same time tommorow?" he asked, his voice neutral.

"I'll see you." she said, face colouring.

It was starting again.

TBC


	4. Nothing is Lost

**The Cycle That Never Ends**

_Nothing is Lost_

She comes home to her fiance, where he is already waiting. It's an unusual occurance, and the thoughtful gesture pleasantly surprises her. He kisses her by greeting, holding her very still. She drops the packages in her hands and brings them around his neck, inhaling his familiar cologne and something that is infinitesimally him.

"I've missed you, Ace." he murmurs against her mouth.

She pulls away from him slightly, her mouth smiling. "I've been here all along, Logan."

"You haven't." The words are almost accusatory, and for one fearful moment she's desperately afraid he will bring up Jess. They haven't mentioned him before now.

Instead, he turns toward the kitchen. She breathes a sigh of relief. When he comes back, he is holding a bottle of vintage Veuve Cliquot and two glass flutes in the other hand.

He poured them each liberal glasses, watching her bewilderment with a smile.

"I wanted to celebrate us." he explained. "To make a toast to our future together...I love you so much, Rory." he added impulsively. It was uncharacterstic of him.

Guilt flashes across her features for a moment. She quickly banishes the image of a very different man from her mind, one unlike the man before her in every possible way. She blots out his dark eyes, his recklessness, and the small half-smile he seemed to reserve especially for her.

She turns towards Logan and kisses him full on the mouth. He tastes like wine.

"I love you." she says, and she means it, too.

---

Her arms crossed tightly across her chest, she hurries to seek refuge from the howling winds around her. Winter is fast approaching, and a shroud of grey clouds Hartford.

She stops suddenly when she spots a familiar figure around the corner, a cigarette lighted to his mouth. She quickly turns the other direction, but it's too late--he's spotted her and catches up to her easily.

"What are you doing?" she hisses, as he walks alongside of her.

"Just catching up with an old friend." he says casually. "What, I'm not allowed to talk to you anymore?"

She turns around abruptly to retort, but his reaction isn't quick enough, and he steps into her. He grabs her before she falls and pulls her close to him. Her face flushes under his gaze, and his proximity. They are so very close.

Now is the time to tell him--that they can't do this anymore--that she can't see him--but they're in too deep now, and there's no turning back.

"Or maybe 'friend' isn't the right word for us." he says with a bemused smile, and does not loosen his hold on her.

"Jess, let go of me." she pleads, her eyes darting to passerbys. "People might see."

"What are you so afraid of, Rory?" he asks incredulously. "When did you get so concerned about what 'other people' think?"

"_This isn't about other people!" _she says in frustrastion. "I'm getting married in two months, Jess."

"You were still seeing Dean until I changed that." he comments quietly.

"This isn't high school anymore." she says in exasperation. "Things are different now--_I'm _different. I don't live in the past, Jess."

"Do you love him?" he asks her suddenly.

She colours indignantly. _"Yes!"_

He waits a beat. The world stops, people fade and blur.

"Do you love me?"

"Are you crazy?" she sputters. "I'm getting married and I--"

"Answer the question, Rory."

"No. I can't, Jess." she chokes out. The words fall brokenly from her trembling lips. "I can't and I won't, and--and no means no this time. It's not so that you'll go away, or leave me alone...I just don't want to be with you."

It was starting to rain. She hopes that he thinks that it's only rain that courses down her cheeks.

And when she finally looked up at him, she knows thats he knows.

"You've always been a terrible liar, Gilmore." he says, before he kisses her, and he tastes like night.

TBC


	5. A Grown Up Fairy Tale

The Cycle That Never Ends

A Grown-Up Fairy Tale

They go to their operas and balls, and it's like some fairy tale, complete with her fair-haired Prince Charming. Tonight is no different.

They're at the Met Ball, and she is wrapped into an ermine fur and his tight embrace, his hands circled around her waist. It's a dizzyingly heightened sensation, being surrounded by the flashing lights of the paparazzi and the beautiful people who flash practiced smiles, showing gleaming white teeth.

She is being introduced to some senator, and she responds to his queries like an automaton. Logan is the perfect politico; he laughs on cue and carefully flatters the most influential Manhattanites.

It's almost too much. Diamonds glitter enticingly in the hair of young actresses; their much older escorts wear Armani suits and flash Rolexes. There is altogether too much velvet, too much gilded ornamentation, and suddenly she is aware of how ridiculous it all is.

"Logan, I'm going to step out for a while." she says abruptly, cutting off his conversation with a prolific member of the Forbes Top Twenty.

"But, babe," he protests, clearly hurt. "Mr. Caraway and I were just talking about how you've always been interested in journalism. He has a lot of pull, maybe he could help…"

"Not now, Logan." Her voice betrays nothing she might have been feeling.

He falters when he sees her angry glance. She still blames him for forcing her to quit her internship at The New Yorker. It's not a suitable career, he'd told her. Not for a Huntzberger.

Before he could utter another word, she'd disappeared soundlessly, seamlessly engulfed into a sea of Chanel and Lanvin and Dolce.

Almost immediately, he turns back to his audience.

"Ah, now where were we?" he smiles charmingly. "Yes, I do believe your company proposition is most suitable…"

---

She dashes down the steps of the Metropolitan, shielding her face to avoid the photo flashes and curious glances of passerby. She nearly trips on the train of her gown, and she stumbles onto a bench across the street, her makeup ruined and her hair in disarray. She's not Cinderella anymore, it's past twelve and the magic's broken.  
Her shoulders shake convulsively; she sobs soundlessly. She's suffocating under volumes of pearls and silk. She tears off her necklace; the gems spill over the dark grounds like marbles. Logan will kill me, she thinks mechanically. That necklace was vintage Mikimoto.

"Hullo." A voice startles her out of her misery. "I think I've found something of yours."

A shadow steps forward, and under the glow of the streetlamp it is revealed to be Jess, holding out the shoe she'd lost on the steps. He bends down to slip it onto her foot. It is a perfect fit.

"What are you doing here?" she asks, not for the first time. Her eyes are still wet with tears. He reaches his hand forward, but catches himself and draws it back before he can brush away her tears.

"I was watching you." he says. "I saw you come out while I was walking to my apartment."

She smiles humorlessly. "Did I look beautiful?"

"You are so beautiful that it is hard to look at you for too long." he says tonelessly. It hurts him to say it. "You know how I feel about you, Rory. Do you really need me to say it?"

"Yes," she whispers. And this time it's she that pulls him in and she's kissing him like her life depends on it, her hands are gripped around his collar and she's drowning in the sensation of his mouth on hers.

"Rory." he says hoarsely. "Not here."

"Is your apartment nearby?"

"You'll regret it later." he says quietly. "We can't do this."

"Why not?" she laughs, recklessly. "You love me, don't you?"

"I won't be your revenge fuck, Rory." His eyes are hard. "I'll wait as long as you want to, but I don't want to sleep with you just because you've had some argument with Logan."

"Jess--"

"I'm calling a cab." he says firmly. "You should go home, Rory."

"How can you just let me go?"

Despite everything, Jess felt his resolution weaken. Every man has his breaking point. Rory was his.

"I can't." he says, and crushes her to him. His heart thuds painfully against his ribcage. He desperately needs a cigarette. "I can't."

They slip away together into the dark night, hands entwined.

TBC


End file.
